Letting Happiness Out and Being Too Open

There’s a danger in being too open, people will actually know what you think and feel.  That’s not always good.  Sometimes it’s best to keep things to yourself and let people use their imaginations or not, if they don’t have one.  I’ve always been fairly easy to read, it’s just who I am.

On this journey I’ve been on, the 21-day journey after attunement to Reiki I’ve realized that it is important to let yourself feel what you truly feel.  I don’t know how to explain it very well, maybe it’s like having a splinter in your finger.  It has to come out, the choice is yours – get the tweezers and pull it out or let it fester until it’s infected and it will come out anyway!  I talked about that in yesterday’s post, so I won’t go over it again.  Suffice it to say, I am much more comfortable with myself now than any other day before this one.

Yesterday I went to yoga at the ESC, unfortunately I have broken my toe and that made doing some yoga positions difficult.  Amy loaned me a boot so I can keep it still and protected, can’t seem to get comfortable with it.  So the boot will be returned, unused and unloved.  I’ve been doing Reiki on this poor toe and it feels a lot better.  My goal is to have it better in a week, because when Amy said 6 to 8 weeks I just could not imagine being hobbled like this for That Long.  No Way!  Broken toes are the pits!

Today is another day I am looking forward to.  More physical clearing of my surroundings so I can easily move on to whereever I will need to be for the future.  Somehow I know at some point I’ll be having to go back to work, just another thing I figured out about myself.  What it will be is not clear yet.  It’s just another day here on Skynob Drive.

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Releasing and letting happiness out

It’s a happy day!  I am owning my feelings and walking forward in my life.  I feel so much lighter than I have in the past few days.

Yesterday I spent time moving things around in part of my place.  I have reclaimed the front closet and moved my son’s things out to the garage.  Then I went through some of my mom’s seashells she used to collect.  Most of them are now in the backyard.  I’ve kept a few, some can be used for sage and sweet grass clearing and the others are just lovely.  I do have one stone that I will ask my friend to take with him to Sedona.  It seems like that’s where it needs to be.  I hope he won’t mind.

Anyway, I’m off to a little yoga session at the ESC.  Maybe more later, maybe not.

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Another day in the 21-day journey

It’s 4 a.m. where I am.  I’ve been up since about 1 a.m.  Just woke up and am not tired at all.  Second time in the last few days.

My oldest grandson came over with his girlfriend yesterday.  They were very interested in pie, which I had made the day before.  It’s so nice to see him happy.  He’s going to go to school in the fall at the local community college.  His girlfriend was studying music, but has decided she will change her major.  Seems that studying music as it is presented in her University caused her to be too critical of what she hears, and she would like to enjoy it rather than be critical of it.  I suspect she is very talented.

There’s this 21-day process/change you go through after you become attuned in Reiki.  For me it’s not been that easy.  I picture myself walking through the door that has been opened.  I have no idea what is on the other side, so it’s a bit scary.  Good things I’m told are there, feels like there are good things.  Can that feeling be trusted?  Got some strict guidance/advice from my instructor yesterday, which I was glad to have.  Very helpful, though I got the feeling he was worried I would be upset.  That would be silly since I asked for help.  He took time out from where he was to send me texts.  If I had known he was not free I would have not messaged him.  Maybe I can just send him email after like 7 or 8 p.m. if I have a question.  Or maybe I should not contact him at all.  Anyway, he gives but does not accept in return.  Which makes things feel lopsided.

I have this friend who always likes to have the last word.  I was so surprised when that came up in a few conversations we had.  I would say good bye after she said good bye, but then she Had to say Something.  Don’t know why, but this just makes me happy.  We talked about it the other day.  She has one person she knows, who also wants to have the last word so they go on and on until one of them gives in.  I’m thinking in utter exhaustion!

Wish I could go somewhere away from here for a little while.  Not possible with my car right now.  Have to take it in for repair.  Heaven only knows what’s wrong with it.  And the whole traveling alone thing is o.k. but it is always much better to share in an experience. I do not know how to solve this particular need…  It’s possible that it will just sit here until it fades away.

Went back to the park yesterday and met a little dog name Alvin, I think his name is Alvin.  His owners were very friendly and brought him over to meet me.  He is a very lively puppy all wiggly and full of energy chasing after every leaf or movement in the grass.  There was also a woman on what looked like a surf board, standing and paddling down the river.  Looked like it might be fun.  Sent more Reiki to the little dog, who ate the stick.  I could see him laying there expectantly, felt like there was a lot of energy that moved.  Hopefully he will be o.k.

Every single person in this world is beautiful in some way, no matter how skinny or fat the beauty is there.  Sometimes the beauty is in how they carry themselves.  I’m thinking of a friend I knew many years ago.  She was heavier than some, but you could see her beauty by the way she walked.  I have lost touch with her at this point in my life.  Her dream was to move to Jamaica and teach.  One time we went out on a double date together.  It was a total disaster!  The man I went out with was controlling and the man she went out with, though very handsome, turned out not to be as nice as we thought he was in the beginning.  Such is life.

Maybe it’s time for coffee.

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Reiki, Cats and Feelings

Some intentional vagueness to protect the innocent. (Ha)  Plus I have not edited this at all, just gonna put it up.

Yesterday I went to a park close by my home.  It’s a beautiful place, a place where sometimes you can find peace and forgiveness.  I chose to go through the wooded area listening to the river, birds, animals, people and taking time to talk to the trees.  Right now the honeysuckle are in full bloom and it is luscious with smell and beauty of the tiny flowers.  I had reached the end of the path and was headed back when a panicked oriental woman came up to me.  She was lost and wanted to get back to the parking area.  I gave her directions and off she quickly walked, except for her dog.  He would go so far and stop, sniff around and look back at me.  I didn’t want to impede her progress so I hung back, but he just waited patiently until I caught up.  His name is Jing, he’s a pug about 9 years old.  He is Hwong’s first pet.  After I said hello to him, we started on our way to the parking area.  Jing was not in a hurry to get back, despite his person’s fear of being in the woods.  She was terrified of ghosts, witches and wolves.  I assured her that today there was no problem here and that I would protect her from anything that might try to harm her.  Which made me wonder why she came to that area in the first place. As I remembered later she told me that her dog had insisted on coming to that area of the park.  I’m really surprised that I didn’t remember that(!) and that she would let her dog lead the way into an area that is so scary for her.  I talked to a friend of mine and he said perhaps she needed to release something.  Now that I’ve had a chance to sleep on it I realize that the dog, Jing, may have been looking for me.  How can I put this delicately – when he did his business he almost could not – and it looked like he had eaten something not good for him perhaps a stick.  I wish I had been more on the ball because I didn’t say to her – Take Jing to the Vet Hospital!  Just a few days ago I completed Reiki attunement and am now a Reiki Master.  The first thing I did this morning was to call up Jing and send him Reiki – trying help him pass whatever it is that he ate safely and quickly.  A friend’s cat, who passed away from eating something not good for them showed up and wanted some attention and to help Jing.  I was glad for the help and to see that lovely kitty.  I suppose I will never know what happened to Jing, I hope in all possible realms that he is safe and happy.

As long as you feel pain, you’re still alive, As long as you make mistakes, you’re still human. As long as you keep trying, there’s still hope. A quote from someone some where some time.

We can never know what another person is Really feeling or thinking.  It doesn’t matter how psychic someone is, it is not possible to fathom the depths of another’s mind and heart.  I am not a wise person by any means, I cannot figure out what another means without some talking being involved.  So I must go by what people actually physically/verbally tell me.  On one hand I think my feelings need to be put away, but I’ve done that before and it only closes off life and that is not a possibility any longer.  Wishing for wisdom but finding only a lump in my throat.

 

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Cinnamon Bread and Rollercoasters

I know parts of this are vague – it’s totally intentional.

It’s almost time to make another loaf of cinnamon bread.  I’ve been working on improving it.  It’s good, but I’d like it to be a little better.  The last loaf was the traditional rolled out loaf, with cinnamon and sugar carefully spread and then rolled.  I think with the next loaf, I’ll try rolling it out in a long rectangle, roll it up long wise and then fold it onto itself like a snake.  Maybe this will give a better swirl.

The first time I went to Ireland I met Bobby and Lara.  Bobby is like me in that he has many irons in the fire.  He makes violins, sings, plays a couple of different instruments, and other things I don’t have any idea about.  I’m glad I met Bobby, he is one of the nicest people you could ever know. His whole family is like that, the kind of people you’d just be comfortable being around.  When I would end up by myself, he and Lara would bring me along with them.  Lara is the same way, someone you just want to know.

I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster.  This would normally be the time I would pack it in and walk calmly but determinedly away.  Because when you’ve been totally squashed you learn to walk away. I appreciate my teacher who has made this all possible.  Cracked open my armor and it has fallen off.   Now I have these feelings I just do not know what to do with.  I was not expecting to have these feelings…  Like the song says:

It’s a mystery to me
It’s a door with a broken key
In the light of all that’s done
I’s the eternal clouded sun
It’s a force to reckon with

There’s more to that, but I can’t bring myself to write it down here.  I’d love to be completely open, but it’s not wise.  People cannot be trusted for the most part.  And like during class when I wanted to run like hell, I’m not going to.  I’m just going to let things flow and hopefully let it go.

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Open or Close – It’s a choice

Recently I learned that I am most like my great grandmother, Fannie.  She was a free spirit like me.  That is comforting all by itself. It’s comforting mostly because it is difficult to be so different from everyone else.  Even when you try to fit in, it goes horribly wrong in some way.  I don’t mind being different from everyone else, it allows me to see things from a different view than anyone else.  There’s a certain freedom and joy in that.  It is a lonely existence though.  Fannie has been there for me when I would have otherwise given up on who I am – trying to bend myself in pretzel shape to be accepted by others.  That never really works you know, we always end up being who we really are inside.

I cannot imagine what Fannie’s life was like, difficult given her temperament, more difficult because of the time she lived and even more difficult because of where she lived.  Her husband loved her because she was a free spirit.  It was easy for her to let him be who he was and he loved that about her too.  I don’t know if he was a free spirit, but I know that he bucked the system in every imaginable way.  From the kind of job he had all the way down to what religion he chose to follow.  After her death, his freedom was not as great and he ended up conforming to society for the most part. That’s another story and I don’t really know it well.

Fannie died of consumption at a relatively young age, leaving her children and husband.  It’s possible she did give up.  The time and place she lived would have been most difficult for a free spirit. I am fortunate to have her around me to encourage and pull me back when I am ready to throw in the towel.  Funny thing is I find myself at a precipice now, I have been given a choice to continue or stop.  I don’t know why I’ve been given this choice.  Open or close.  Closing leads to darkness and a need to repeat, opening flings the doors and windows wide open lets in the sun, blue skies, growth and love.  The choice is obvious, of course.  I will open, flinging doors and windows wide to walk through.  Maybe as I continue, I will be able (or allowed) to help others open as well.

I am also beginning to understand why I am so sad for a friend who is in the process of losing her long time love and husband.  I have not seen any couple as well suited for each other.  It pains me deeply to see what that loss will bring.

 

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And so it goes…

Yesterday after I had returned from shopping at Kerrytown I was surprised by a knock at my door.  It was my son, Tom.  He had arrived from England the day before and stopped by to see me.  Last time I saw him was in the fall after a tour in Ireland with the Annie, Marie and Kate.  Tom and I spent the afternoon shopping for things that he needed/wanted and had some lunch at a place called Holiday’s, a favorite place of his where he has many friends.  His wife, Heather, and their little one took a later flight coming through Canada.  Hopefully there will time for me to visit with them later this week.  I sure do miss that little one and would be very happy to see Heather and hear how she is doing.

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